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Shewhoknowsall
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Name: Lucy
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Fresno
Birthday: 7/18/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I'm big on music, both listening and playing. I like to read. A LOT. and . . . yeah, other than that, it's basically all over the chart.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  shewhoknowsall18
Member Since:
4/29/2004
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| Date the second .... not so awesome. not anything ben did. In fact, he was his normal self. (i assume, I hardly know what his normal self is exactly.) but. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that almost made me barf when I drove someone home while I still had my learner's permit. except for not that bad. but. It was OK, but I dunno. I just realized that I'm not feeling a connection or anything .... firework-y. Y'know? no chemicals in my head telling me I'm in love. I think the euphoria of the first date was just that - the euphoria of my first date. that finally, at 22, I have proof that there is a man out there who thinks I'm sexy. and worth it. but I just. I don't want a date three. So now I have to give him the "dear john" and I don't want to. It's gonna be awkward, and he's going to feel really bad. arg. OH well, such is life. and it would be much much worse to lead him on or not be honest. so there it is. stupid gut feelings. I wish it could've gone somewhere.
Update at 5:45. I called him and broke it off. He was sad but not surprised. So that's that, I guess. I'm relieved, since there's no good way to give bad news like that. I mean, two dates isn't as devastating as a stable relationship, but its still time for some emotional investment and expectation. He's a nice guy though, there's a mrs. right out there for him. and now I get to move on. good.
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| The date was really fun! and of course, suddenly I have all these complicated feelings and self doubts and wondering how the fuck do I know what to do?! Part of me - the incredibly blunt wordvomit part wants to just talk it out with ben. But knowing that would be incredibly overwhelming for him, not to mention a really bad move since we're hovering between date one and two. So I kind of talked things over with my mom. All my convos with my friends have been at public places/with people I don't really feel like discussing my deepest insecurities with. blah. So I have decided instead, to use the internet as therapy. Not publicly, obviously, but xanga has the lovely private option. Though I've always wondered how private is that, really? but a "letter" written to ben will give me an outlet to just say everything in my head, without overwhelming anyone but me, and it'll help me organize and think about what I'm saying and feeling and blah blah blah. so there we go. Of course, knowing me, I'll tell everything to angela friday night anyway, but you know, that's what besties are for. sucker. the other part, the non-wordvomit portion of my personality, wants to play it really cool and act like I'm super confident and know what I'm doing. but a/ I suck at that. b/ it's not honest, and I absolutely refuse to be one of those girls who play games and messes with people because they're insecure. and I am! i am very insecure. but I know I need to figure out where that line is between productive honesty and overwhelming honesty. oh boy.
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| joel is making me nuts today. he has a room to hang out in, and should do so. I don't exactly have that option for privacy. Uncle dale woke me up at 7:30 to look for a check mom supposedly wrote. No. I don't know where it is. I was asleep. as you may have noticed. given that I was IN BED AND ASLEEP WHEN YOU WOKE ME UP. So i gave him the cash since we couldn't find the check. arg. went back to sleep. woke up, took a shower. (foofy hair, woo). Went to get the mail and stepped in a pee puddle courtesy of queeni. Despite the fact that I cleaned up the last two accidents, I ended up cleaning this one up too. yaaay. Joel just sits there. He says "oh, queeni's cold. where's her blanket." oh, no in reach, no gonna do anything.
it's not really anything joel is doing in particular. it's that we can't put queeni outside so these accidents don't happen because she'll run away or attack the construction workers. (yea, she's tried to bite this one guy twice. kinda funny. kinda not.) but joel won't ever take her outside to pee if he's the only one up. women's work apparently. But I don't have anywhere to go that is my own space to not be "available" for all this. arg. I am going to go nuts.
plus, since I was the one that "found" queeni's accident, she's now sticking to me like glue in case I get mad and want to punish her, or whatever. arggggg. I'm ready to get out of the house. hurry up five o'clock!
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| Dear Jenn,
tomorrow I go on my first date with Ben. I am excited and nervous. I will update once there's anything to update about :)
Love,
Lucy
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| Dear Erin,
it may be distinctly possible that I will be able to move back into my room next weekend. May be. They are finishing up the tiling in the bathroom this week. Then all that has to be done is putting the carpeting down in the closet, putting in the bathroom fixtures (faucet, toilet, shower head, etc) and then it'll be done! I think! They are doing the roof this week, which is making the dog nuts. or, more nuts. I guess I'm also trying not to get my hopes up because last time they said two weeks, it turned out to be lots longer. sooo, yea. we will see!
in other news, I am sick. again. this is so lame. I'm trying to convince my body to be better by thursday. Why, you may ask? well, I have a date on thursday, and mouth-breathing is a particularly unattractive trait, even if the slightly chapped lips wouldn't hurt anything. plus it is very difficult to feel attractive when your nose feels twice as large as normal. sad, isn't it? yes, very. But, I am excited about thursday. Which is why its too bad nobody else is coming out this saturday because it means angela's gonna have to hear all the gory details all on her lonesome. haha.
annnd. this is all.
love,
Lucy
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